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“Hello Merci”

Balitang Kutsero
By Perry Diaz

Ombudsman Merceditas “Merci” Gutierrez received a call in the wee hours the other day. The conversation went like this:

Merci: Hellooooow…

Caller: Hello, Merci, this is your Ate.

Merci: Ate Glo? Is that you?

Caller: I won’t tell you cuz your phone might be tapped by P-Noy.

Merci: Ay naku! That P-Noy! Grrrrr… I hate him! I hate…

Caller: Relax ka lang, Merci. Don’t get mad, get even.

Merci: Okay! Grrrrr… I’m okay. Grrrrr…

Caller: Stop it, Merci. You might have a heart attack.

Merci: Okay, I’ll calm down. What shall I do, Ate Glo? I’m at wit’s end. Maloloko ako!

Caller: Me, too. I think P-Noy is after me. I’m having nightmares even during the day! And our friends in the Supreme Court are getting cold feet.

Merci: Yes, they’re abandoning us, especially that midnight chief justice of yours! Have you talked to him lately?

Caller: I tried but he won’t return my phone calls. I think he’s laying low cuz there’s a congressman from Ilocos Norte who’s threatening to impeach eight Supreme Court justices including him.

Merci: What? Was it Imeldific?

Caller: Oh, no. Not Imeldific. She’s a friend of ours. It’s the other Ilocos Norte congressman. That jerk! Grrr….

Merci: Yup, he’s the vice chair of the House Justice committee that filed the Articles of Impeachment against me!Tamaan sana siya ng kidlat! Grrr…

Caller: Yep, that’s him! He was once my ally but now he’s with P-Noy.

Merci: Balimbing talaga! Grrr… Ate Glo, I need your help. Can’t you stop the impeachment in the House? You’re now a congresswoman. I’m sure you still have clout.

Caller: I don’t know what happened but my PalaKa party mates have abandoned me. P-Noy doubled their pork barrel! Can you believe that? That nerd is learning fast! He’s more dangerous than he looks! I see him even in my sleep. Grrr…

Merci: I thought P-Noy was your secret friend?

Caller: That’s what I was made to believe by some people. He even approved my P2.2-billion pork barrel. I didn’t realize he was just trying to break down my defenses and I fell for it. Ay naku, Merci, ang life nga naman. Last year I was on top of the world, now I’m in Hell! I wanna cry. Hu hu hu…

Merci: I wanna cry, too. Wah wah…

Caller: Enough! We gotta think! For sure you’re going to be impeached by the House…

Merci: Wah…. Hu hu hu…

Caller: Stop crying, Merci. Look, Our only chance is in the Senate where they’ll try you after you’re impeached in the House. Here are the magic numbers: Sixteen senator-judges are needed to convict you or eight to acquit you. Got that?

Merci: Yeah, but who are the eight senators who could help me?

Caller: Don’t worry, let me work on that. For starters we have the joker with us. Let’s do it one at a time like what I did with the Supreme Court justices.

Merci: But it took you years to stack up the court with… never mind.

Caller: I know. It’s gonna be tough. Also, those senators are all primadonnas. They all have their own private agenda. Most of them are presidential wannabes.

Merci: Hey, aren’t the “grand old man” from Cagayan, that fiery woman who talks and talks, your secret presidential candidate “Villarroyo,” those two American-born brother and sister, and the heir to the “Great Again Society” all your friends?

Caller: Yes, they’re all my friends. That’s seven including the joker. All we need is one more.

Merci: Yeah! One more and I’ll be free. Home free, yeaaaah!

Caller: Looks like you’ll beat the rap, my friend. Okay, I’m just curious, are you really guilty of the charges against you?

Merci: Yes! Of course, I’m guilty as hell! He he he… But I did it all for you and your husband. Otherwise you’d be history, kaput! He he he… You should be thankful that I did it for you, Ate Glo. You promised you’re going to help me line up support in the Senate, right?

Caller: Not too fast, my friend. You’re now history. They’ll fry you in the Senate. You’re toast! Ha ha ha…

Merci: What the hell are you saying, Ate Glo?

Caller: I am not your Ate Glo. Ha ha ha…

Merci: Huh? Who the hell are you?

Caller: This is Kris, P-Noy’s sister. Our conversation is being taped and I’ll give the Senate a copy with you confession, “I’m guilty as hell!” Ha ha ha…

Merci: Walang hiya!

Caller: Bye-bye, Merci. Ha ha ha…


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